another goal of mine:

I am in the process of moving into a new apartment. In this apartment I will be sharing a room with another girl, as well as a closet and you see... this poses a problem because I am coming to realize: I have a lot of freaking crap. I have already been through my closet twice, and I feel as though inventory is not shrinking at all.

Over the last few terms at school I have been thinking about becoming more free-trade-esk. My bursting closet has a lot to do with this thought becoming more of a reality. I love to shop locally. I love the thought of using things that have already been used in order to save energy and effort in such a consumerist society. And so, a new goal has been birthed.

I will not buy any new clothes or shoes for an entire year.

That means, June 14th, 2011 is the end of this deal. The only exception to this rule is if I get hired on to a new job in which I need to purchase something for a uniform.

I'm pretty excited about the idea actually, and it will a good exercise of self-control. We'll see how it works out. Actually, I am headed to a second hand thrift store right now :)

And it was done...

I'm sitting next to my cousin, typing this on my new macbook pro that my parents surprised me with for a grad gift. It finally hit me yesterday, it's over. I'm really glad that I decided to attend commencement, and when I was walking amongst all of the other grad's with those ugly square hats I teared up. I spent the last four years learning so much about life: people, God, myself. I can't believe the last four years went by that fast, and all that I went through.

I got to spend yesterday with my best friends, my amazing families and my amazing kids. I love when everyone I know and love are in the same place, although it makes for some anxiety before hand (pretty sure I only slept 2 hours on friday night...I was definitely stressing). We bbq'd, laughed, took pictures and I got a nice sunburn (can we say "hello rudolph!"?).

Today I moved a bunch of stuff out of my apartment, and sent a lot of furniture and random things home with my parents. On the 30th, I'm moving out of the apartment that I've spent the last 2 years in, and into a duplex with 5 other girls. New beginnings are so exciting and yet, so scary.

I hope to do a lot of things with this year (or so) I'm taking off of school:

1) Get healthy. I want to eat the way I'm supposed to- no processed food, lots of veggies and fruits and whole grains. I also need to start taking my medicine on a regular basis.
2) Run. I am excited to start running in the mornings with a good friend of mine. Let the sweat pour!
3) Devotionals e'rday. I need to get back into the groove of just "being" with God. It's my favorite. I love it.
4) Start being "wifey": I want to quilt, can and make dinner :)
5) Enjoy life one day at a time. I want to breathe deeper and spend more time with the people I love. Call my family more, and be with friends more :)

I also want to blog more, post some youtube videos and figure out a masters program. We'll see :)

So just as quick as it started four years ago, it was done. But there is still a lot of life to be lived and a lot of love to be had. Here's to the next phase of life!

A Sunny Day in March

I woke up this morning at 8:05, and wound up in my 8am English class at 8:25 despite my best efforts to walk right out the door from the horizontal position I was in for the 6 hours before.
I felt the anxiety that was whirring around in my head hit the pit of my stomach in all of its thickness when I grabbed the door handle to enter the class. The words a friend had said to me the day before resounded in my head and the deep breath I took wasn't enough to quiet the resonance or lighten the brick in my belly when I found my way to an empty desk in Moreland 332. As we discussed the brilliance of Christina Rossetti, naturally, my mind began to wander...
School doesn't happen to be my first priority these days. I would attribute the fact to my academic standing being that of a senior and it starting to be sunny outside, etc, etc. However, I know it's just that my heart is somewhere else at the moment. I'm not doing the best academically lately, and am struggling to pass 2 of the 5 classes I'm taking. It's easy for others to have input on how my life has been since October, and it is even easier for them to interject that input in facial expressions, words and actions. Change is hard for a lot of people, and unless you sat me down and asked me to explain what has been going on in my head and heart the last 8 months over a cup of coffee, I can see how you would assume things about my life. Please don't.
I am not perfect, and I know that the path I have chosen to take is not what everyone else would decide for me (I have repeatedly seen the disappointment on my mothers face when I stick up for the fact that I am not going directly into graduate school after I graduate in June), but I am in dialogue with God about it all. The community I once had, has now dispersed and everyone has gone their separate ways- pursuing with stamina and passion what He has for them. I am on the same path.
There is something that a boy can do to a girl (and I'm sure the reverse is true) that can cause a bit of a character malfunction/ freak-out to occur. I believe this is part of life. There is a level of caring, a threshold of loving that once released has the ability to be the most beautiful thing to happen in ones life. And the same time as the beauty is apt to happen, so is taken the risk of the heart that is so full of love to break. I believe that it is once this break occurs that a bit of insanity is released. Hear me out: I have several amazing, level-headed, motivated, brilliant female friends who happen to be ridiculously gorgeous. These women have taken the risk, and fallen hard into love. Life happens, and as quickly as their hearts fell, the boy that they trusted to catch it, for some reason or another didn't (not to blame it on the boy, there are things both parties bring to the battlefield that is a relationship). And I have seen a series of phases occur. First it is a "I'm hurt but will be okay"-phase that comes out through a coffee-date or a quick run in at the gym. Next comes the hysterical sobbing, "I wish he still loved me/realized we're supposed to be together"-phase that usually occurs several times via midnight or later phone calls. During these two phases there is intermixed crazy behavior- normally things that are out of character for that person: be it drinking excessively, dancing, kissing other boys, sleeping with other boys, pretending to have their life together and acting like they are just fine and that they have made the decision to move on. And it's true, that when it is all said and done, and the girl realizes that she can slowly gather the pieces of her heart and draw nearer to God while he holds and heals her, that she knows beyond what she hears her friends and family say, that she will continue on and be okay.
Not everything is good and lovely. Not everything is healthy and beautiful and good for a person. But it is what is horrible and hurtful, dark and painful, that encourages one and gives one the strength to continue on a path towards beauty and love, happiness and light. It is through the pain that there is beauty, through the hurt that there is grace and forgiveness.
I have been a Christian my whole life, and done a lot in my life to strive for perfection. And it is just now, over the last year or so, that I have felt what this forgiveness and grace I have believed in for so long really is. This realization through life experience has been what has humbled me, and drawn me closer to the God I've said I've always believed in. Before I would tell others they should believe when they asked because it was "right" or what I had been taught all of my life. Now I can say it is because I have experienced it. I am been where you are, I feel what you feel, I am crying the same warm tears and have, so many times, and what holds me when my heart is broken is this grace and love that cannot be found another place.
I like to sit in Java and soak. Because I want to operate out of overflow and love others how God has loved me. I may not be doing the best in my classes, and I may not be pursuing the life that everyone else has dreamt for me, but this is between God and I. He knows where the cracks are and he is filling them with his divine putty. For the first time I am trusting him to heal what I had hidden for so long. This life I live isn't easy, and I'm sure I make it harder than it needs to be, but I have a savior who loves all of my imperfections. I'm not asking you to love them, but instead to take the time to know how He is filling them with His grace and love, and how he is teaching me to give that same love and grace to others through Him which is what it's all about.
So, here I sit, on a sunny day in March, on my face before him, pursuing a relationship with the divine...and it is nothing short of beautifully amazing.

Matthew Arnold....

Today in my English 313 class we discussed this poem by Matthew Arnold. Its lyrics really resonated with me. Arnold is writing about how he desires to make a deep connection with someone. He writes that there is something about life that has no answer and he desires to get to know someone else on a level in which they can at least discuss this depth. I feel that way sometimes, actually, all the time. I think that everyone does. Isn't that what we're searching for? Someone to connect on a deeper, more intimate level? Someone who you can talk to about things that really matter. Arnold starts the poem by addressing his lover- and it is no wonder that this is who he's talking to. Lovers are those who know us on the deepest, most intimate level. I could say so much about this poem. But here, interpret yourself and leave your comments below...

The Buried Life- Matthew Arnold
Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o'er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there's a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
And thy gay smiles no anodyne.
Give me thy hand, and hush awhile,
And turn those limpid eyes on mine,
And let me read there, love! thy inmost soul.

Alas! is even love too weak
To unlock the heart, and let it speak?
Are even lovers powerless to reveal
To one another what indeed they feel?
I knew the mass of men conceal'd
Their thoughts, for fear that if reveal'd
They would by other men be met
With blank indifference, or with blame reproved;
I knew they lived and moved
Trick'd in disguises, alien to the rest
Of men, and alien to themselves--and yet
The same heart beats in every human breast!

But we, my love!--doth a like spell benumb
Our hearts, our voices?--must we too be dumb?

Ah! well for us, if even we,
Even for a moment, can get free
Our heart, and have our lips unchain'd;
For that which seals them hath been deep-ordain'd!

Fate, which foresaw
How frivolous a baby man would be--
By what distractions he would be possess'd,
How he would pour himself in every strife,
And well-nigh change his own identity--
That it might keep from his capricious play
His genuine self, and force him to obey
Even in his own despite his being's law,
Bade through the deep recesses of our breast
The unregarded river of our life
Pursue with indiscernible flow its way;
And that we should not see
The buried stream, and seem to be
Eddying at large in blind uncertainty,
Though driving on with it eternally.

But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us--to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.
And many a man in his own breast then delves,
But deep enough, alas! none ever mines.
And we have been on many thousand lines,
And we have shown, on each, spirit and power;
But hardly have we, for one little hour,
Been on our own line, have we been ourselves--
Hardly had skill to utter one of all
The nameless feelings that course through our breast,
But they course on for ever unexpress'd.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self, and what we say and do
Is eloquent, is well--but 't#is not true!
And then we will no more be rack'd
With inward striving, and demand
Of all the thousand nothings of the hour
Their stupefying power;
Ah yes, and they benumb us at our call!
Yet still, from time to time, vague and forlorn,
From the soul's subterranean depth upborne
As from an infinitely distant land,
Come airs, and floating echoes, and convey
A melancholy into all our day.
Only--but this is rare--
When a belov{'e}d hand is laid in ours,
When, jaded with the rush and glare
Of the interminable hours,
Our eyes can in another's eyes read clear,
When our world-deafen'd ear
Is by the tones of a loved voice caress'd--
A bolt is shot back somewhere in our breast,
And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life's flow,
And hears its winding murmur; and he sees
The meadows where it glides, the sun, the breeze.

And there arrives a lull in the hot race
Wherein he doth for ever chase
That flying and elusive shadow, rest.
An air of coolness plays upon his face,
And an unwonted calm pervades his breast.
And then he thinks he knows
The hills where his life rose,
And the sea where it goes.

Philippians 1:9-10

love wash over a multitude of things
make us whole.

I have seen with my two eyes, the glory of God.
I have seen hearts transformed and lives changed because of the salvation that's offered through Him.

I am stubborn, emotional, demanding, independent. I'm a fighter, a crier, I can be compassionate, selfish and lazy. And lately, I've been learning a lot.

I have had my life set on fire by Him and then seasons where I am frozen in a spot I can't seem to get away from. The last few months have been a frozen season. I'm starting to worry that I look more like the world than I do the savior of my soul. A good friend of mine always says, "I'm a Christian, but that doesn't mean I act like I'm perfect or even try to be." This has always rubbed me the wrong way when he says it. I wonder if I spent most of my life trying to be perfect. Actually, I know I've spent most of my life striving for perfection. Straight As in high school (except for math of course), student government, being well liked by teachers and striving to get approval from my parents. I've always had lots of friends, and too many group activities to occupy my time.

At 21 and 8 months, I am tired. I told my mom last week that I'm not going to graduate school next year. I honestly cant even put forth the effort it takes to apply. I am so so so done. I love school. I want to be a teacher. I used to think if anything would hold me back from grad school it would be my work. I love those kids with all of me. But lately, I haven't even enjoyed my time there. I'm tired, I'm emotionally check out of all of it. And whatever I do next, I want to do with all of me. One thing, with all of me. I regret the past four years- not being able to give school my all. Today I took a midterm and enjoyed every minute of it. I love my major. I love analyzing literature and spending hours talking about it. It is my favorite. And the next time I make an attempt at chasing a degree, I'm going to do it with all of me.

I'm in love with 27 teenagers, and right now, they take priority over school. I spend the 50 minute class periods thinking about what I will do when I get to work before I write down anything that the professor says. I don't regret my time with them. And right now, I want to give them my all. I'm so divided at the moment on all of that.

All of that above summary to say that i'm tired and I want out. I'm so spiritually hungry lately that all I want to do is sit next to someone who has a guitar and will sing with me. I want to close my eyes and worship for hours. for days. to talk to him about everything that is going on that I don't understand. I just spent the last 2 paragraphs defending what I'm doing with my life. I dont need to defend it. I dont need to justify my actions. I am not spending enough time with God. And I'm not measuring on what some stupid book or church tells me, I'm measuring this on the sheer fact that: i'm lonely, sad and unhappy. I'm tired and burnt out and unmotivated. I don't want to be anywhere at anytime. I am perfectly content laying here under my hippie blanket blaring brandon heath.

I want someone who will talk to me about what is going on. Someone that will go deeper than what happened last weekend, and not deeper into the depression that is the world, but deeper into what God has already done about it. I want conversations like the ones I have with Michele on Friday afternoon. Ones that when I leave, I am fired up and passionate about what God is doing and is going to do. The life I was learning how to unpack and stop compartmentalizing is no so separated. I feel this way with these people, and this way with these people. These ones understand me, these ones don't...

I want validation from you. I want to be so full that I can't help but overflow. I dont want to offer what I have. What I have SUCKS. I am so parched for the spirit, so parched for any moisture you have to offer my dry lips...that's what i want. I want to enjoy the rocking of the boat that you're doing. I want to love the time we spend together like this. I want to want to spend time with you. I want to enjoy alone time, and have that alone time build me up instead of break me down. I want everything that you have to offer and I don't want it to make me feel guilty. I want to be the bold woman of you that I am when I'm in China. That I am in XA. That I am when I am so full and overflowing. I want to offer truth and not emotions. I want to offer out of excess, not out of left overs. I want the people I love and care about to see YOU in me. I want to be different than the world. I want people to look at me and say, "what's different about her?" and have the answer be that I have an amazing relationship (real relationship) with you.

I want to be what my life verse says, "live a lovers life, circumspect and exemplary..." that "your love will overflow more and more and that you will keep growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what REALLY matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ's return." Philippians 1:9-10

That's what I want my life to look like.

nothing.

I want you to love me for me
I don't want this love to develop out of dependency
What can I do for you
What do you know about me
nothing.
we will be nothing.

If I am going to be alone
Please tell me, so I can stay at home.
I'd rather sit and hide
than stand there fake, by your side.

I want you to see me, see through me.
See not what I can do for you
but who I can be when I'm with you.

Notice that I love to sit and be
sit and be just you and me
you will know that I love to sing and play with your hair
and guess what you'd order out of that there
magazine.

but don't worry:
I wont push you beyond your limits
You don't have to get to know me,
I'll just smile and be your therapist,
your counselor, your best friend,
the person you text when you need an end.
I wont pretend to be anything more than
nothing.
we will be nothing.

and when you ask me what is wrong I will say:
nothing, it's nothing.

Stand In

a painted smile on my face
offering you simple grace
i am always out of place
but for you
i'm just a stand in

number four in your top ten
you ask me, "will i love again"
no one really ever wins
but for you
i'm just a stand in

ive held your hand
and we've walked in the sand
i would've given you forever... and
even for you
i'm just a stand in

problems you have
your wish is my command
after all
i am YOUR stand in

worthy of love
only in a spiritual sense
wow, i must be really dense
to continue on this cycle
because for all of you
i'm a stand in

depressed, i'm not
i just happen to be caught
in this same ol' dull routine
where i put up this thick screen
a filter where I let some pass through
see my heart, oh no not you...
because for you,
I'm just a stand in.
-kalinmae 02/10

sometimes my heart sings along to the words I can't say to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEEVZ0cZExA

Sometimes love comes around (love comes around, love comes around)
and it knocks you down
just get back up
when it knocks you down (knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
and it knocks you down
just get back up
when it knocks you down (knocks you down)

...

so you gotta take the good, the bad,happy and the sad
but will you bring the better future then I had in the past
cause I don't want to make the same mistakes I did
Idon't wanna fall back on my face again
woah, woah
I'll admit it, I was scared to answer loves call
woah, woah
and if it hits, better make it worth the fall

(When it comes around)

Sometimes love comes around (love comes around, love comes around)
and it knocks you down
just get back up
when it knocks you down (knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around (comes around)
and it knocks you down
just get back up
when it knocks you down (knocks you down)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWFPjfFNlTk
Damn, I mean, I just keep thinkin' about you
I mean, I wanna move on but I can't move on
It's like you got some kinda hold on me and, man I don't know
But I'ma go ahead and talk about it, listen

I'm sittin' lookin' out the window like damn
Tryna fix this situation that's at hand
You're still runnin' through my mind
When I'm knowin' that you shouldn't be
Me all on your mind and I'm knowin' that it couldn't be

'Cause you ain't called and I ain't even appalled
I still got a lotta pain, I ain't dealt wit it all
I been runnin' 'round with other chicks, I'm single and they lovin' it
I'm likin' it but I just want the one that I was in love with

That's not the end of it, I'm tryna let you go
I can't get a grip of it is what I'm tryna let you know
You got a hold or some kinda control of me
I don't know what it is but I gotta get you gone from me

I'm workin' at it and it ain't gettin' no better
Just tryna be like, yeah, forget it, whatever
Instead of starin' out this glass, lookin' at this bad weather
Damn, I gotta pull myself together 'cause

When I'm with somebody, all I think 'bout is you
When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do
I miss the smilin' faces in my Sidekick, outta town visits
All the time we spent together
Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me, do to me
You don't even understand, damn
And you know what you do to me, do to me
It's so hard to get you outta my system

I'm too attached, my heart won't let me fall back
I got it bad, that's what you can call that
And when I see you in the streets, that's the worse for me
Used to love the little things you did, that's what works for me

It's too major, don't see you in my pager
Know what you doin', where you at or can I see you later?
The fellas tellin' me, Just let her go, Bow
Believe me, I'm tryin', man, I just don't know how

I be in all the top spots, leavin' with the hot shots
Knowin' they just want me 'cause I'm in the top spot
That's not poppin' and my brain ain't stoppin'
Thinkin' who she with or where she goin', is she club hoppin'?

I never had this kind of problem in my life
This is my first time dealin' with this kind of fight
It's every night and every flight and every time you in my sight
Damn, this ain't even right 'cause

When I'm with somebody, all I think 'bout is you
When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do
I miss the smilin' faces in my Sidekick, outta town visits
All the time we spent together
Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me, do to me
You don't even understand, damn
And you know what you do to me, do to me
It's so hard to get you outta my system

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
You been runnin' through my mind all day, can you feel me?
I been tryna get you off my mind
But I can't after all this time, that's what kills me

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
You been runnin' through my mind all day, can you feel me?
I been tryna get you off my mind
But I can't after all this time and it kills me

When I'm with somebody, all I think 'bout is you
When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do
I miss the smilin' faces in my Sidekick, outta town visits
All the time we spent together
Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me, do to me
You don't even understand, damn
And you know what you do to me, do to me
It's so hard to get you outta my system

I remember everything that me and you talked about
Me and you had our whole life planned out together
And if I could, I would turn back the hands of time
And correct all my mistakes that I ever did

But now I guess I gotta move on, right?
It's still hard and I still love you to this day
Peace
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlZWz-nA77Y
Here you are now
Fresh from your war
Back from the edge of time
And all that you were,
Stripped to the bone
I thought you­'d want to know

That when you feel the world is crashing
All around your feet
Come running headlong into my arms
Breathless
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now running headlong
Into my arms
Breathless

Lay down your guns
Too weak to run
Nothing can harm you here
Your precious heart
Broken and scarred
Somehow you made it through
I only ask that you won't go again


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mULa8WxTa4

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Today I had the most amazing day at work. Despite 3 piles of throw-up made by a 6 year old that I mopped up, stressful interviews, an intense keystone meeting, a lead staff training, class from 8-2:30 and work til 9. I left smiling. I am so blessed by You. I live in a country where I can pursue higher education. I work at a place where the people I work with are more like a family ( i love my kids more than anything), and I get to watch them grow and learn to be young adults. My life is pretty much beautiful. Here is a favorite quote of mine that a friend sent me a few weeks ago...

Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.- Van Gogh

...so true.

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

that's all for tonight.
-kalinmae

repeat...

I had an interesting weekend. Now it's time for the Bachelor (team Tennley all the way) and chocolate ice cream with my girls. This song has been on repeat the last few days in my car. I love it when I song can explain everything you feel...


Heaven Sent lyrics
Songwriters: Farmer, Jason; Cole, Keyshia; Francis, Alex;

Sent from heaven
Sent from heaven

Now you can wait your whole life wonderin'
When it's gonna come or where it's been
You may have got your heart broken
A few times in the past

Never last strong as it used to
It don't feel as good as it used to before
And all the things you used to say
Things you used to do went right out the door

Ooh, no more will you be the one
That's what you tell everyone around you
But you know they've heard it all before
What more can you say

When your love won't let you walk away
And you can't help who you love
And you find yourself givin' it all away
When you think you're in love, ooh 'cuz

I wanna be the one who you believe
In your heart is sent from, sent from heaven
And there's a piece of me who leaves when you're gone
Because you're sent from, sent from heaven

I wanna be the one who you believe
In your heart is sent from, sent from heaven
And there's a piece of me who leaves when you're gone
Because you're sent from, sent from heaven

Now you can wait your whole life tryna change
What it is from what has been
You may have put your whole life into a man
Lovin' what you thought it could've been

Don't wanna swing a change
When you don't feel as good as you used to before
And everything you used to say
Everything you used to do cleared right out the door

Ooh, no more will you be the one
That's what you tell everyone around you
But you know they've heard it all before
What more can you say

When your love won't let you walk away
And it can't help all your love
And you find yourself givin' it all away
When you think you're in love 'cuz I wanna be

I wanna be the one who you believe
In your heart is sent from, sent from heaven
There's a piece of me who leaves when you're gone
Because you're sent from, sent from heaven

I wanna be the one who you believe
In your heart is sent from, sent from heaven
There's a piece of me who leaves when you're gone
Because you're sent from, sent from heaven

Everybody say I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be sent from heaven
Everybody say I wanna be the one you trust
I wanna be sent from heaven

Everybody say I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be sent from heaven
Everybody say, I wanna be the one, oh
I wanna be the one sent from heaven

I wanna be the one who you believe
In your heart is sent from, sent from heaven
There's a piece of me who leaves when you're gone
Because you're sent from, sent from heaven

I wanna be the one

*Tennyson & Chai soothe my mind*

In my ENG 313 course, we've been getting our hands dirty with some Tennyson. What I love about Tennyson is that he writes some poems that remind me of days when I believed in Fairy Tales. Princes, Princesses and Camelot...It is a beautiful poem, full of brilliant imagery and deeper meaning. I'm currently sitting in Borders, drinking soy chai and trying to write a paper on it and the Lady of Shalott's struggle between innocence and experience within the poem. I love being a literature major. Perhaps you should grab some chai before you indulge of Tennyson. Also, google him- he lived a pretty interesting life and has an equally amazing poem written about Sleeping Beauty. Enjoy!

The Lady of Shalott

-Tennyson

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, " 'Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance --
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

pause

I'm taking a moment away from my close reading assignment (I love you ENG 425) to pause life.

I just had the most amazing moment:
Sitting here in JavaStop, people line up, order their coffee and chat it up in line. I grab my laptop out of my backpack, sat on the couch facing the coffee bar and started typing my paper. I take a deep breath and the next thing I know I am caught in a moment where it seems like everything outside of me is going full speed and I am suspended in this...this moment. I don't know what else to call it. The smell of espresso shots, the buzz of 9 am morning conversations, the lull of literature laying next to me, and my favorite song comes onto the radio. Wow. Blessed much? And this has been happening to me quite a bit within the last 12 hours.

Last night I was sitting in my room at work, and the rest of the BGCC staff poured into the room. As Manny was talking about some stuff around the clubhouse I looked around and realized how much things have changed since this time last year: new people, new problems, new journeys and stories. I took a deep breath and smiled. It is beautiful. Amidst all the hurt and pain (that is still occurring) the change has been, and will continue to be, beautiful. Later in the night I joined a friend for a study session in DB's for Anthro 330 (let's be honest, I needed to give it a better try than I had my PHY 104 midterm only a few hours earlier) and we started going over the study guide (which has a story itself). I was getting Blazers game updates on my phone from Brad, Lynzi was telling me about a potential boy, Susie was making plans to come up to Corvy for the weekend and my anthem began to play over the dutch house (lyrics posted 2 blogs below). I, again, exhaled and took it all in. <3

My life is pretty much amazing. I'm not going to lie: I cry and throw fits a lot- life isn't perfect for me. But it is the little things I enjoy. Lately it is Gabe Bondoc, AJ Rafael and Andrew Garcia whose voices sing me through a bit of trouble, going through the book of Mark and figuring out how awful of a representation of Christ I am despite some of my best efforts, and sitting in a quiet house, doing laundry and applying to grad school.

here, i'll share the love:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cJBzU_QLA4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPTI97FEFns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2Cwoo2R4Xg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uwxq8dVWvlQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXk_KVNfInU

...listen to those and open your bible to Mark and you're golden!

love love love
-kalinmae

there are days...

There are days when I am teetering, rocking back and forth between smiles and tears. Today is one of those days.

It is this overwhelming sense of caring about something so much that it hurts and having it hurt so much I think that maybe I should give it up. My dad said to me last week, "Don't get too involved in their lives Kalin, or you'll forget about yours." and I just shook my head and thought, "Too Late."

It has something to do with thinking that it is my responsibility to carry everyone on my shoulders. And I wonder sometimes if the brown suede Dr. Phil chair was sitting next to someone elses desk, if all of those people would droop across its arms and spill the contents of hearts, and let their tears fall for anyone else. Sarah, my wingwoman, said that it has something to do with me- that there is something inside of me that gives off this sense of being able to take care of what people need.

I get frustrated because when I care about something, I care about it with all of my heart. I give it every single ounce of my energy and hold no single piece of me back. I reserve nothing from what I do, and if there was more of me, you better believe I would put those pieces of my heart into something else. And it yanks on my heart strings when I care about something so much, and the people I believe should care just as much about it, give up or don't care. I don't understand sometimes why people reserve their hearts for themselves, like why there are only a select few that are sold out for something with all that they have, and the rest of the world is just sitting by reserving their energy for...for what?

I wonder if it is because they think that it's the people who are sold out's responsibility to carry it all. I can care about something with everything inside of me, but if I am alone doing what a group of 30 should be doing, things are not going to run smoothly and ultimately I am not going to be effective.

((I just had to consciously walk myself through relaxing my shoulders))

And when I am having these teetering days, people sit and they comfort me by telling me that it's just something inside me that makes people depend on me, that makes people need me. I believe that, I mean, I have Christ in me. And this entry's purpose is not to rant on those who need me. I love you. And I love being needed. I feel the greatest when I am giving all that I have away.

This teetering day can be attributed to the frustration ensued by those who have nothing that they are passionate about. To those who haven't found something, or found something and gave up on it. To those who have no motivation or sit and be quiet because they tried a few times and their voices weren't heard.

It's 11:07 and I should be in my ANTH 330 class- sitting there listening to rambling that I have no desire to understand. Instead, I am sitting on my bed typing this blog. I originally skipped to study for my PHY 104 midterm that is tonight at 6. I was supposed to study last night after work. But I spent 7 hours of my yesterday at the BGCC- I was there from 3-10pm, which is nothing compared to the day that my two hard working bosses put in.

My mother gets angry at me when I tell her how my life runs: skipping meals and classes here and there to give others the opportunity for a changed life. I'm no superman, not it the least bit. And I am no perfect angle either. My family isn't without it's problems: nothing that I'd like to post online seeing as how I'm not only the confidant my peers lives, but also in my Mothers life and my Father, and I know things that others don't...

Some days I see the results of the stress: days when I walk outside with one of my kids to confront him about something, and at just the moment where he used to interrupt me and call me names, a year later he is looking me straight in the eyes, telling me why he's upset and bearing his angry heart on his sleeve. Or the days when we go to La Conga and shove amazingly large amounts of food in our faces before speeding back to work to meet with a volunteer...but I believe these teetering days have to occur. Life has to be broken so that one day, when you see your blood red heart wrapped with duct-tape and transformers band-aids you think about all you went through and all you can see is how lovely it all is.

This is a favorite quote of mine by CS Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

...so...it is days like today that make sunshine and rain at the same time my favorite, sitting on the brown bgcc couch watching a movie the best, summer days in Seattle the most memorable and smiling, chewing bubblegum on the great wall one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Thank you Lord for the teetering days <3

one of many anthems of mine...

Details In Fabric Lyrics

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything
Everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
Go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? (Go your own way)
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own)
Hell no reason go on and scream (Know your name)
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

a few things He's done in the last 7 days.

I know that God created the world with a swipe of his hands in 7 days.

So why is it so hard for me to believe that He can do little things that change the way I live this life that he gave me in last 7 days?

God has changed a lot in me over the past 6 months. January marks 6 months since I left the country I sometimes consider to be more of a home than this beautiful US of A and every second since I've been back has been one that should be noted. I started the summer off making one of the biggest mistakes of my life, one that involved falling in love with someone who was like kryptonite to my spiritual life. I have a lot to say about this boy, and by no means are they rude or meant to take stabs at his character, in fact, he's a rather amazing individual. And I'm sure I will write oodles and oodles more about him later- but that is a separate story in and of itself...

I came home from China broken. But since then God has been doing things in me I could never have imagined to be possible. Although I have and will probably continue to spend days in bed crying- there are days I sit playing my guitar bawling because of this heart he has given me.

June 4th 2009 marked my twenty-first birthday. I drank a bit that month and in months to follow, but it was this past October when I had my first drunken weekend. Since then, there have been too many to count. I'm sure you, as a reader, are thinking, "Wasn't she just praising God with those lips that kiss that bottle?!" or even thinking about all of the references in the good book that point to being drunk as being a sin. You see...I know. And when I first started drinking it was more of the guilt that made me sick to my stomach than the poison that I had poured down my throat the night before. I've been trying to find the perfect balance of how much to drink and what to say, but honestly...it wasn't until God broke my heart for the people I was spending all this time drinking with that I really understood what is going on.

I have spent so many years of my life living as this cookie-cutter Christian. I prided myself on following all the rules and being able to tell everyone about my innocence. And it was in the midst of this journey of messing up at the beginning of the summer when my relationship with Christ really started flourishing and I realized that I can't go on without Him. Before I could go days and sometimes weeks without praying or spending time in the word. But it was when I came to terms with how much I suck and realized that I need Him in my life beyond this religious-rules relationship we had had for the last 20 years.

I have realized the true meaning of forgiveness, and grace and LOVE. It's been a really great journey so far and I'm excited to see where it goes! I have realized that I am pursuing a relationship with the God of the universe, not trying to check a list off of what rules I've been really good at following. God has broken my heart for this campus. Seeing that some of my friends spend 6 to 7 nights of the week completely sloshed, having friendships that aren't deep or fulfilling breaks my heart.

I love to drink. In fact- i love to be drunk, and I have some of the funnest nights when I am hanging out, dancing at the bars with people that before I separated myself from so far. God loves them. Oh how he loves them. And the most amazing thing ever is that I am one of them. I know how it feels to be lonely and broken hearted, and the God of the universe loves me. And I am going to live in a way that shows them that He feels the same way about them.

And so far- it's working. I prayed for 3 purposeful conversations this weekend. And I have had 3 so far. I am having coffee with 2 of my friends that don't know Him at all and we are planning on talking about this relationship I have with God. :] that is 5 purposeful conversations. Those are 5 of my friends who I love so so so much, curious about pursuing a relationship with Him.

I am a sinner. I am a Paul. God has redeemed my soul. And as I continue to mess up- he is going to continue to teach me and help me learn from it all. And he is going to change people's lives in the process. Winner! <3

An Introduction.

I decided to start a blog because often times I have deep thoughts, quotes, songs, videos and random little things that I'd like to share with the world. I was hesitant in beginning because I am not some big-deal-scholar or a thirteen-year-old internet obsessed teen. But I love to write, and often times don't have an artistic outlet for such sharing that I made reference to before. I'm not claiming that this will be some awe-inspiring, life riveting blog, but you might gain something out of it, or simply enjoy it. I hope for both. Enjoy.
-kmae