Philippians 1:9-10

love wash over a multitude of things
make us whole.

I have seen with my two eyes, the glory of God.
I have seen hearts transformed and lives changed because of the salvation that's offered through Him.

I am stubborn, emotional, demanding, independent. I'm a fighter, a crier, I can be compassionate, selfish and lazy. And lately, I've been learning a lot.

I have had my life set on fire by Him and then seasons where I am frozen in a spot I can't seem to get away from. The last few months have been a frozen season. I'm starting to worry that I look more like the world than I do the savior of my soul. A good friend of mine always says, "I'm a Christian, but that doesn't mean I act like I'm perfect or even try to be." This has always rubbed me the wrong way when he says it. I wonder if I spent most of my life trying to be perfect. Actually, I know I've spent most of my life striving for perfection. Straight As in high school (except for math of course), student government, being well liked by teachers and striving to get approval from my parents. I've always had lots of friends, and too many group activities to occupy my time.

At 21 and 8 months, I am tired. I told my mom last week that I'm not going to graduate school next year. I honestly cant even put forth the effort it takes to apply. I am so so so done. I love school. I want to be a teacher. I used to think if anything would hold me back from grad school it would be my work. I love those kids with all of me. But lately, I haven't even enjoyed my time there. I'm tired, I'm emotionally check out of all of it. And whatever I do next, I want to do with all of me. One thing, with all of me. I regret the past four years- not being able to give school my all. Today I took a midterm and enjoyed every minute of it. I love my major. I love analyzing literature and spending hours talking about it. It is my favorite. And the next time I make an attempt at chasing a degree, I'm going to do it with all of me.

I'm in love with 27 teenagers, and right now, they take priority over school. I spend the 50 minute class periods thinking about what I will do when I get to work before I write down anything that the professor says. I don't regret my time with them. And right now, I want to give them my all. I'm so divided at the moment on all of that.

All of that above summary to say that i'm tired and I want out. I'm so spiritually hungry lately that all I want to do is sit next to someone who has a guitar and will sing with me. I want to close my eyes and worship for hours. for days. to talk to him about everything that is going on that I don't understand. I just spent the last 2 paragraphs defending what I'm doing with my life. I dont need to defend it. I dont need to justify my actions. I am not spending enough time with God. And I'm not measuring on what some stupid book or church tells me, I'm measuring this on the sheer fact that: i'm lonely, sad and unhappy. I'm tired and burnt out and unmotivated. I don't want to be anywhere at anytime. I am perfectly content laying here under my hippie blanket blaring brandon heath.

I want someone who will talk to me about what is going on. Someone that will go deeper than what happened last weekend, and not deeper into the depression that is the world, but deeper into what God has already done about it. I want conversations like the ones I have with Michele on Friday afternoon. Ones that when I leave, I am fired up and passionate about what God is doing and is going to do. The life I was learning how to unpack and stop compartmentalizing is no so separated. I feel this way with these people, and this way with these people. These ones understand me, these ones don't...

I want validation from you. I want to be so full that I can't help but overflow. I dont want to offer what I have. What I have SUCKS. I am so parched for the spirit, so parched for any moisture you have to offer my dry lips...that's what i want. I want to enjoy the rocking of the boat that you're doing. I want to love the time we spend together like this. I want to want to spend time with you. I want to enjoy alone time, and have that alone time build me up instead of break me down. I want everything that you have to offer and I don't want it to make me feel guilty. I want to be the bold woman of you that I am when I'm in China. That I am in XA. That I am when I am so full and overflowing. I want to offer truth and not emotions. I want to offer out of excess, not out of left overs. I want the people I love and care about to see YOU in me. I want to be different than the world. I want people to look at me and say, "what's different about her?" and have the answer be that I have an amazing relationship (real relationship) with you.

I want to be what my life verse says, "live a lovers life, circumspect and exemplary..." that "your love will overflow more and more and that you will keep growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what REALLY matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ's return." Philippians 1:9-10

That's what I want my life to look like.