Saturday, January 30, 2010

*Tennyson & Chai soothe my mind*

In my ENG 313 course, we've been getting our hands dirty with some Tennyson. What I love about Tennyson is that he writes some poems that remind me of days when I believed in Fairy Tales. Princes, Princesses and Camelot...It is a beautiful poem, full of brilliant imagery and deeper meaning. I'm currently sitting in Borders, drinking soy chai and trying to write a paper on it and the Lady of Shalott's struggle between innocence and experience within the poem. I love being a literature major. Perhaps you should grab some chai before you indulge of Tennyson. Also, google him- he lived a pretty interesting life and has an equally amazing poem written about Sleeping Beauty. Enjoy!

The Lady of Shalott

-Tennyson

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, " 'Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance --
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

pause

I'm taking a moment away from my close reading assignment (I love you ENG 425) to pause life.

I just had the most amazing moment:
Sitting here in JavaStop, people line up, order their coffee and chat it up in line. I grab my laptop out of my backpack, sat on the couch facing the coffee bar and started typing my paper. I take a deep breath and the next thing I know I am caught in a moment where it seems like everything outside of me is going full speed and I am suspended in this...this moment. I don't know what else to call it. The smell of espresso shots, the buzz of 9 am morning conversations, the lull of literature laying next to me, and my favorite song comes onto the radio. Wow. Blessed much? And this has been happening to me quite a bit within the last 12 hours.

Last night I was sitting in my room at work, and the rest of the BGCC staff poured into the room. As Manny was talking about some stuff around the clubhouse I looked around and realized how much things have changed since this time last year: new people, new problems, new journeys and stories. I took a deep breath and smiled. It is beautiful. Amidst all the hurt and pain (that is still occurring) the change has been, and will continue to be, beautiful. Later in the night I joined a friend for a study session in DB's for Anthro 330 (let's be honest, I needed to give it a better try than I had my PHY 104 midterm only a few hours earlier) and we started going over the study guide (which has a story itself). I was getting Blazers game updates on my phone from Brad, Lynzi was telling me about a potential boy, Susie was making plans to come up to Corvy for the weekend and my anthem began to play over the dutch house (lyrics posted 2 blogs below). I, again, exhaled and took it all in. <3

My life is pretty much amazing. I'm not going to lie: I cry and throw fits a lot- life isn't perfect for me. But it is the little things I enjoy. Lately it is Gabe Bondoc, AJ Rafael and Andrew Garcia whose voices sing me through a bit of trouble, going through the book of Mark and figuring out how awful of a representation of Christ I am despite some of my best efforts, and sitting in a quiet house, doing laundry and applying to grad school.

here, i'll share the love:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cJBzU_QLA4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPTI97FEFns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2Cwoo2R4Xg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uwxq8dVWvlQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXk_KVNfInU

...listen to those and open your bible to Mark and you're golden!

love love love
-kalinmae

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

there are days...

There are days when I am teetering, rocking back and forth between smiles and tears. Today is one of those days.

It is this overwhelming sense of caring about something so much that it hurts and having it hurt so much I think that maybe I should give it up. My dad said to me last week, "Don't get too involved in their lives Kalin, or you'll forget about yours." and I just shook my head and thought, "Too Late."

It has something to do with thinking that it is my responsibility to carry everyone on my shoulders. And I wonder sometimes if the brown suede Dr. Phil chair was sitting next to someone elses desk, if all of those people would droop across its arms and spill the contents of hearts, and let their tears fall for anyone else. Sarah, my wingwoman, said that it has something to do with me- that there is something inside of me that gives off this sense of being able to take care of what people need.

I get frustrated because when I care about something, I care about it with all of my heart. I give it every single ounce of my energy and hold no single piece of me back. I reserve nothing from what I do, and if there was more of me, you better believe I would put those pieces of my heart into something else. And it yanks on my heart strings when I care about something so much, and the people I believe should care just as much about it, give up or don't care. I don't understand sometimes why people reserve their hearts for themselves, like why there are only a select few that are sold out for something with all that they have, and the rest of the world is just sitting by reserving their energy for...for what?

I wonder if it is because they think that it's the people who are sold out's responsibility to carry it all. I can care about something with everything inside of me, but if I am alone doing what a group of 30 should be doing, things are not going to run smoothly and ultimately I am not going to be effective.

((I just had to consciously walk myself through relaxing my shoulders))

And when I am having these teetering days, people sit and they comfort me by telling me that it's just something inside me that makes people depend on me, that makes people need me. I believe that, I mean, I have Christ in me. And this entry's purpose is not to rant on those who need me. I love you. And I love being needed. I feel the greatest when I am giving all that I have away.

This teetering day can be attributed to the frustration ensued by those who have nothing that they are passionate about. To those who haven't found something, or found something and gave up on it. To those who have no motivation or sit and be quiet because they tried a few times and their voices weren't heard.

It's 11:07 and I should be in my ANTH 330 class- sitting there listening to rambling that I have no desire to understand. Instead, I am sitting on my bed typing this blog. I originally skipped to study for my PHY 104 midterm that is tonight at 6. I was supposed to study last night after work. But I spent 7 hours of my yesterday at the BGCC- I was there from 3-10pm, which is nothing compared to the day that my two hard working bosses put in.

My mother gets angry at me when I tell her how my life runs: skipping meals and classes here and there to give others the opportunity for a changed life. I'm no superman, not it the least bit. And I am no perfect angle either. My family isn't without it's problems: nothing that I'd like to post online seeing as how I'm not only the confidant my peers lives, but also in my Mothers life and my Father, and I know things that others don't...

Some days I see the results of the stress: days when I walk outside with one of my kids to confront him about something, and at just the moment where he used to interrupt me and call me names, a year later he is looking me straight in the eyes, telling me why he's upset and bearing his angry heart on his sleeve. Or the days when we go to La Conga and shove amazingly large amounts of food in our faces before speeding back to work to meet with a volunteer...but I believe these teetering days have to occur. Life has to be broken so that one day, when you see your blood red heart wrapped with duct-tape and transformers band-aids you think about all you went through and all you can see is how lovely it all is.

This is a favorite quote of mine by CS Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

...so...it is days like today that make sunshine and rain at the same time my favorite, sitting on the brown bgcc couch watching a movie the best, summer days in Seattle the most memorable and smiling, chewing bubblegum on the great wall one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Thank you Lord for the teetering days <3

Monday, January 25, 2010

one of many anthems of mine...

Details In Fabric Lyrics

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything
Everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
Go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? (Go your own way)
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own)
Hell no reason go on and scream (Know your name)
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Sunday, January 17, 2010

a few things He's done in the last 7 days.

I know that God created the world with a swipe of his hands in 7 days.

So why is it so hard for me to believe that He can do little things that change the way I live this life that he gave me in last 7 days?

God has changed a lot in me over the past 6 months. January marks 6 months since I left the country I sometimes consider to be more of a home than this beautiful US of A and every second since I've been back has been one that should be noted. I started the summer off making one of the biggest mistakes of my life, one that involved falling in love with someone who was like kryptonite to my spiritual life. I have a lot to say about this boy, and by no means are they rude or meant to take stabs at his character, in fact, he's a rather amazing individual. And I'm sure I will write oodles and oodles more about him later- but that is a separate story in and of itself...

I came home from China broken. But since then God has been doing things in me I could never have imagined to be possible. Although I have and will probably continue to spend days in bed crying- there are days I sit playing my guitar bawling because of this heart he has given me.

June 4th 2009 marked my twenty-first birthday. I drank a bit that month and in months to follow, but it was this past October when I had my first drunken weekend. Since then, there have been too many to count. I'm sure you, as a reader, are thinking, "Wasn't she just praising God with those lips that kiss that bottle?!" or even thinking about all of the references in the good book that point to being drunk as being a sin. You see...I know. And when I first started drinking it was more of the guilt that made me sick to my stomach than the poison that I had poured down my throat the night before. I've been trying to find the perfect balance of how much to drink and what to say, but honestly...it wasn't until God broke my heart for the people I was spending all this time drinking with that I really understood what is going on.

I have spent so many years of my life living as this cookie-cutter Christian. I prided myself on following all the rules and being able to tell everyone about my innocence. And it was in the midst of this journey of messing up at the beginning of the summer when my relationship with Christ really started flourishing and I realized that I can't go on without Him. Before I could go days and sometimes weeks without praying or spending time in the word. But it was when I came to terms with how much I suck and realized that I need Him in my life beyond this religious-rules relationship we had had for the last 20 years.

I have realized the true meaning of forgiveness, and grace and LOVE. It's been a really great journey so far and I'm excited to see where it goes! I have realized that I am pursuing a relationship with the God of the universe, not trying to check a list off of what rules I've been really good at following. God has broken my heart for this campus. Seeing that some of my friends spend 6 to 7 nights of the week completely sloshed, having friendships that aren't deep or fulfilling breaks my heart.

I love to drink. In fact- i love to be drunk, and I have some of the funnest nights when I am hanging out, dancing at the bars with people that before I separated myself from so far. God loves them. Oh how he loves them. And the most amazing thing ever is that I am one of them. I know how it feels to be lonely and broken hearted, and the God of the universe loves me. And I am going to live in a way that shows them that He feels the same way about them.

And so far- it's working. I prayed for 3 purposeful conversations this weekend. And I have had 3 so far. I am having coffee with 2 of my friends that don't know Him at all and we are planning on talking about this relationship I have with God. :] that is 5 purposeful conversations. Those are 5 of my friends who I love so so so much, curious about pursuing a relationship with Him.

I am a sinner. I am a Paul. God has redeemed my soul. And as I continue to mess up- he is going to continue to teach me and help me learn from it all. And he is going to change people's lives in the process. Winner! <3

Thursday, January 14, 2010

An Introduction.

I decided to start a blog because often times I have deep thoughts, quotes, songs, videos and random little things that I'd like to share with the world. I was hesitant in beginning because I am not some big-deal-scholar or a thirteen-year-old internet obsessed teen. But I love to write, and often times don't have an artistic outlet for such sharing that I made reference to before. I'm not claiming that this will be some awe-inspiring, life riveting blog, but you might gain something out of it, or simply enjoy it. I hope for both. Enjoy.
-kmae