there are days...

There are days when I am teetering, rocking back and forth between smiles and tears. Today is one of those days.

It is this overwhelming sense of caring about something so much that it hurts and having it hurt so much I think that maybe I should give it up. My dad said to me last week, "Don't get too involved in their lives Kalin, or you'll forget about yours." and I just shook my head and thought, "Too Late."

It has something to do with thinking that it is my responsibility to carry everyone on my shoulders. And I wonder sometimes if the brown suede Dr. Phil chair was sitting next to someone elses desk, if all of those people would droop across its arms and spill the contents of hearts, and let their tears fall for anyone else. Sarah, my wingwoman, said that it has something to do with me- that there is something inside of me that gives off this sense of being able to take care of what people need.

I get frustrated because when I care about something, I care about it with all of my heart. I give it every single ounce of my energy and hold no single piece of me back. I reserve nothing from what I do, and if there was more of me, you better believe I would put those pieces of my heart into something else. And it yanks on my heart strings when I care about something so much, and the people I believe should care just as much about it, give up or don't care. I don't understand sometimes why people reserve their hearts for themselves, like why there are only a select few that are sold out for something with all that they have, and the rest of the world is just sitting by reserving their energy for...for what?

I wonder if it is because they think that it's the people who are sold out's responsibility to carry it all. I can care about something with everything inside of me, but if I am alone doing what a group of 30 should be doing, things are not going to run smoothly and ultimately I am not going to be effective.

((I just had to consciously walk myself through relaxing my shoulders))

And when I am having these teetering days, people sit and they comfort me by telling me that it's just something inside me that makes people depend on me, that makes people need me. I believe that, I mean, I have Christ in me. And this entry's purpose is not to rant on those who need me. I love you. And I love being needed. I feel the greatest when I am giving all that I have away.

This teetering day can be attributed to the frustration ensued by those who have nothing that they are passionate about. To those who haven't found something, or found something and gave up on it. To those who have no motivation or sit and be quiet because they tried a few times and their voices weren't heard.

It's 11:07 and I should be in my ANTH 330 class- sitting there listening to rambling that I have no desire to understand. Instead, I am sitting on my bed typing this blog. I originally skipped to study for my PHY 104 midterm that is tonight at 6. I was supposed to study last night after work. But I spent 7 hours of my yesterday at the BGCC- I was there from 3-10pm, which is nothing compared to the day that my two hard working bosses put in.

My mother gets angry at me when I tell her how my life runs: skipping meals and classes here and there to give others the opportunity for a changed life. I'm no superman, not it the least bit. And I am no perfect angle either. My family isn't without it's problems: nothing that I'd like to post online seeing as how I'm not only the confidant my peers lives, but also in my Mothers life and my Father, and I know things that others don't...

Some days I see the results of the stress: days when I walk outside with one of my kids to confront him about something, and at just the moment where he used to interrupt me and call me names, a year later he is looking me straight in the eyes, telling me why he's upset and bearing his angry heart on his sleeve. Or the days when we go to La Conga and shove amazingly large amounts of food in our faces before speeding back to work to meet with a volunteer...but I believe these teetering days have to occur. Life has to be broken so that one day, when you see your blood red heart wrapped with duct-tape and transformers band-aids you think about all you went through and all you can see is how lovely it all is.

This is a favorite quote of mine by CS Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

...so...it is days like today that make sunshine and rain at the same time my favorite, sitting on the brown bgcc couch watching a movie the best, summer days in Seattle the most memorable and smiling, chewing bubblegum on the great wall one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Thank you Lord for the teetering days <3