I know that God created the world with a swipe of his hands in 7 days.
So why is it so hard for me to believe that He can do little things that change the way I live this life that he gave me in last 7 days?
God has changed a lot in me over the past 6 months. January marks 6 months since I left the country I sometimes consider to be more of a home than this beautiful US of A and every second since I've been back has been one that should be noted. I started the summer off making one of the biggest mistakes of my life, one that involved falling in love with someone who was like kryptonite to my spiritual life. I have a lot to say about this boy, and by no means are they rude or meant to take stabs at his character, in fact, he's a rather amazing individual. And I'm sure I will write oodles and oodles more about him later- but that is a separate story in and of itself...
I came home from China broken. But since then God has been doing things in me I could never have imagined to be possible. Although I have and will probably continue to spend days in bed crying- there are days I sit playing my guitar bawling because of this heart he has given me.
June 4th 2009 marked my twenty-first birthday. I drank a bit that month and in months to follow, but it was this past October when I had my first drunken weekend. Since then, there have been too many to count. I'm sure you, as a reader, are thinking, "Wasn't she just praising God with those lips that kiss that bottle?!" or even thinking about all of the references in the good book that point to being drunk as being a sin. You see...I know. And when I first started drinking it was more of the guilt that made me sick to my stomach than the poison that I had poured down my throat the night before. I've been trying to find the perfect balance of how much to drink and what to say, but honestly...it wasn't until God broke my heart for the people I was spending all this time drinking with that I really understood what is going on.
I have spent so many years of my life living as this cookie-cutter Christian. I prided myself on following all the rules and being able to tell everyone about my innocence. And it was in the midst of this journey of messing up at the beginning of the summer when my relationship with Christ really started flourishing and I realized that I can't go on without Him. Before I could go days and sometimes weeks without praying or spending time in the word. But it was when I came to terms with how much I suck and realized that I need Him in my life beyond this religious-rules relationship we had had for the last 20 years.
I have realized the true meaning of forgiveness, and grace and LOVE. It's been a really great journey so far and I'm excited to see where it goes! I have realized that I am pursuing a relationship with the God of the universe, not trying to check a list off of what rules I've been really good at following. God has broken my heart for this campus. Seeing that some of my friends spend 6 to 7 nights of the week completely sloshed, having friendships that aren't deep or fulfilling breaks my heart.
I love to drink. In fact- i love to be drunk, and I have some of the funnest nights when I am hanging out, dancing at the bars with people that before I separated myself from so far. God loves them. Oh how he loves them. And the most amazing thing ever is that I am one of them. I know how it feels to be lonely and broken hearted, and the God of the universe loves me. And I am going to live in a way that shows them that He feels the same way about them.
And so far- it's working. I prayed for 3 purposeful conversations this weekend. And I have had 3 so far. I am having coffee with 2 of my friends that don't know Him at all and we are planning on talking about this relationship I have with God. :] that is 5 purposeful conversations. Those are 5 of my friends who I love so so so much, curious about pursuing a relationship with Him.
I am a sinner. I am a Paul. God has redeemed my soul. And as I continue to mess up- he is going to continue to teach me and help me learn from it all. And he is going to change people's lives in the process. Winner! <3
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